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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party

TEMPE, AZ—In a development that will soon leave you feeling uncomfortable and slightly scared, sources have reported that you, and only you, have been invited to that weirdo Dave Morton's presidential debate-watching party tonight. Although you have been looking forward to having a few beers, engaging in heated political debates with a group of friends, and maybe meeting some hot, activist girls all week, the so-called party will primarily entail Dave wordlessly watching you eat the taco dip you will bring, nodding at everything you say and intermittently dry heaving when McCain says "my friends." Even taking into account Dave's sudden outburst of sobbing upon the conclusion of the debates, this will reportedly not be the creepiest debate party you have ever attended, as that honor still rightfully belongs to a 2004 debate-watching party attended by only yourself and Dennis Kucinich.

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