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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party

TEMPE, AZ—In a development that will soon leave you feeling uncomfortable and slightly scared, sources have reported that you, and only you, have been invited to that weirdo Dave Morton's presidential debate-watching party tonight. Although you have been looking forward to having a few beers, engaging in heated political debates with a group of friends, and maybe meeting some hot, activist girls all week, the so-called party will primarily entail Dave wordlessly watching you eat the taco dip you will bring, nodding at everything you say and intermittently dry heaving when McCain says "my friends." Even taking into account Dave's sudden outburst of sobbing upon the conclusion of the debates, this will reportedly not be the creepiest debate party you have ever attended, as that honor still rightfully belongs to a 2004 debate-watching party attended by only yourself and Dennis Kucinich.

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