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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party

TEMPE, AZ—In a development that will soon leave you feeling uncomfortable and slightly scared, sources have reported that you, and only you, have been invited to that weirdo Dave Morton's presidential debate-watching party tonight. Although you have been looking forward to having a few beers, engaging in heated political debates with a group of friends, and maybe meeting some hot, activist girls all week, the so-called party will primarily entail Dave wordlessly watching you eat the taco dip you will bring, nodding at everything you say and intermittently dry heaving when McCain says "my friends." Even taking into account Dave's sudden outburst of sobbing upon the conclusion of the debates, this will reportedly not be the creepiest debate party you have ever attended, as that honor still rightfully belongs to a 2004 debate-watching party attended by only yourself and Dennis Kucinich.

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