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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop

VENTURA, CA—Friends of Ron Berg, the self-described "human beat box," don't have the heart to ask him to stop. "Any time we're out, it's only a matter of time before Ron starts up with 'poom poom-pkkhh, poom-papoom-pkkhh,'" friend Brian Craig said Tuesday. "But he's so proud of his 'special skill' that it'd devastate him if we told him he sucks and should stop." Craig, who has been sprayed with beat-box saliva "tons of times," said he makes sure never to sit across from Berg at a bar where the jukebox contains Run-DMC's Raising Hell.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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