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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown

LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant Hiram Loudon that his cover was blown roughly a day and a half after his recruitment, sources within the organization revealed Tuesday. “We’ve been on to him for weeks, but the poor guy’s trying so hard, we just don’t have the heart to break it to him,” said street soldier Dwight Allwood, who acknowledged he should have killed Loudon immediately the first time he noticed a wire poking from the informant’s jeans pocket but “just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” “He’s a sweetheart of a guy, and he’s clearly dedicated to what he’s doing—he learned all our gang signs and nicknames and everything. It’s going to be devastating for him when he realizes he’s been found out.” Admitting he has grown fond of the informant, Allwood said that when the time comes, he will probably shoot Loudon in the back of the head to avoid watching as the man’s face is blown off.

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