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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown

LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant Hiram Loudon that his cover was blown roughly a day and a half after his recruitment, sources within the organization revealed Tuesday. “We’ve been on to him for weeks, but the poor guy’s trying so hard, we just don’t have the heart to break it to him,” said street soldier Dwight Allwood, who acknowledged he should have killed Loudon immediately the first time he noticed a wire poking from the informant’s jeans pocket but “just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” “He’s a sweetheart of a guy, and he’s clearly dedicated to what he’s doing—he learned all our gang signs and nicknames and everything. It’s going to be devastating for him when he realizes he’s been found out.” Admitting he has grown fond of the informant, Allwood said that when the time comes, he will probably shoot Loudon in the back of the head to avoid watching as the man’s face is blown off.

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