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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown

LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant Hiram Loudon that his cover was blown roughly a day and a half after his recruitment, sources within the organization revealed Tuesday. “We’ve been on to him for weeks, but the poor guy’s trying so hard, we just don’t have the heart to break it to him,” said street soldier Dwight Allwood, who acknowledged he should have killed Loudon immediately the first time he noticed a wire poking from the informant’s jeans pocket but “just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” “He’s a sweetheart of a guy, and he’s clearly dedicated to what he’s doing—he learned all our gang signs and nicknames and everything. It’s going to be devastating for him when he realizes he’s been found out.” Admitting he has grown fond of the informant, Allwood said that when the time comes, he will probably shoot Loudon in the back of the head to avoid watching as the man’s face is blown off.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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