adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

No One In Group Admits Girls' Night Out A Colossal Failure

PROVIDENCE, RI—After hyping the outing with several days of text messages, including "things are going to get crazy," "the Bod Squad is back in action," and "OMG! GNO!," friends Tina Zayac, Heather Thibert, and Christina Roath refused to admit Sunday that their girls' night out was a disappointment. "It was fun," said Thibert, 28, who returned to her apartment at 11:30 p.m., despite earlier promises to "stay out all night" and "get dolled up and get [her] dance on." The girls reportedly waited for a table at Blue Grotto for more than an hour, chose not to get wine at the restaurant because it was too expensive, and concluded the evening by spending two hours at a karaoke bar trying to convince Roath to sing "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" with them before ultimately deciding they weren't in the mood for karaoke. Thibert added, "Just me and the girls, like old times. Even though Becky [Traber] didn't show up, cuz she always flakes out."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close