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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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No One In Group Admits Girls' Night Out A Colossal Failure

PROVIDENCE, RI—After hyping the outing with several days of text messages, including "things are going to get crazy," "the Bod Squad is back in action," and "OMG! GNO!," friends Tina Zayac, Heather Thibert, and Christina Roath refused to admit Sunday that their girls' night out was a disappointment. "It was fun," said Thibert, 28, who returned to her apartment at 11:30 p.m., despite earlier promises to "stay out all night" and "get dolled up and get [her] dance on." The girls reportedly waited for a table at Blue Grotto for more than an hour, chose not to get wine at the restaurant because it was too expensive, and concluded the evening by spending two hours at a karaoke bar trying to convince Roath to sing "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" with them before ultimately deciding they weren't in the mood for karaoke. Thibert added, "Just me and the girls, like old times. Even though Becky [Traber] didn't show up, cuz she always flakes out."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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