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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening. “Wooo! Prom night!” 18-year-old Amanda Schumacher shouted, despite the fact that she had really hoped to be asked to the dance by Bradley Sumner but had instead been forced to settle for Craig Doyle, who himself had asked her to go only after Lindsay Willis had turned him down. “Tonight is going to be so awesome!” concurred Ian Robeson, poking his head out the sunroof while imagining his date were Karen Simmons, the girl he’s had a crush on for four years, instead of Beth Malden, his friend and study partner. Additional sources reported that the students’ chauffeur would prefer to be going to prom in his company’s new 220-inch Cadillac Escalade limo instead of its old eight-seater Lincoln Town Car.

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