adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

No One On SWAT Team Wants To Wait In Ventilation Duct With Howard

SWAT team members argue over who will be the next person to sit through another enthralling hour and a half of Howard recounting his exploits reffing youth soccer games.
SWAT team members argue over who will be the next person to sit through another enthralling hour and a half of Howard recounting his exploits reffing youth soccer games.

CHICAGO—A Chicago Police Department Special Weapons And Tactical unit was called to the scene of an ongoing hostage situation at Green Oaks Psychiatric Hospital at approximately 2:30 p.m. today, and as the standoff entered its fifth hour, the SWAT team was no closer to determining whose turn it was to sit in the ventilation duct with Sr. Cpl. Howard Simmons.

"No way—I just had him on that meth-ring bust we did last week," said Officer Pat Toman, a surveillance specialist who finds Simmons' habit of taking his shoes off on long stakeouts particularly disgusting. "We had to sit in a cramped van listening to phone conversations for 12 hours. Every time the suspects would pick up the phone, he would go, 'Shh! We're on.' Every time! It's like, Howard, I wasn't even talking."

Sr. Cpl. Howard Simmons

Before ordering his men into the facility's airway system, Sgt. Matt Lamarre briefed them on the building's layout and directed them to kill the suspect on sight. SWAT officers then began a tournament of rock- paper-scissors to determine who would follow Simmons, and his penchant for biting his fingernails and then flicking them at the wall, into the ventilation duct.

"In a multiple-hostage situation like this, my men have to be ready for anything," Lamarre said. "For example, Howard could make that clicking noise with his tongue when he's thinking, or he could tell that same corny joke about how he 'wonders if Domino's will deliver a large pepperoni with extra cheese up to this vent.' I got stuck on a rooftop with him a month ago, and with no prompting he acted out about 20 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite. And he wasn't even quoting the lines right."

"Don't get me wrong, he's a decent guy and all, and he's saved my life twice, but come on, Howard, shut up about all your boring hobbies for once," added Lamarre, who later volunteered himself for battering ram duty upon learning that Howard had recently taken a kite-building class. "He just goes on and on and on. Makes me want to shoot somebody."

Howard Simmons, a 19-year Chicago Police Department veteran and self-proclaimed "lethal gas specialist," has served on the elite tactical unit since 2003, during which time he has had dozens of anonymous complaints lodged against him by fellow officers for offenses ranging from the "smelly tea he drinks," to always needing to borrow a riot shield, to excessive humming of the Sanford And Son theme song during high-risk operations.

Over half of the complaints included a reference to Simmons' chosen code name, "Basilisk."

"Do you have any idea how difficult it is to whisper the word 'Basilisk' over a walkie- talkie?" read one complaint, filed last June. "And when he answers, he always says 'Mmmyeeees?' in this stupid voice. So annoying."

Despite receiving numerous verbal warnings about his attempts to start a "special SWAT team handshake," Howard Simmons still ranks highest in his division in both kill shots and speed of suspect apprehension. In one particularly impressive maneuver last month, Howard diffused a barricade situation within 20 minutes, arrested the criminals single-handedly, and much to the chagrin of the officer assigned to the mission with him, winked and said "Book 'em, Dan-O," just like he always does after successfully bringing down an international prostitution ring.

As of press time, Officer Simmons has reportedly entered Green Oaks Hospital's ventilation system alone. SWAT team officials said they could not divulge any specifics about his location to the public, as they did not provide him with a headset.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close