No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

IOWA CITY, IA–Despite the fact that it cost $350 when purchased two years ago and was still in excellent condition, no one seems to care that area resident Dan Bleidner's Trek 820 mountain bike was stolen from his Lansing Street apartment building Sunday.

Dan Bleidner at the scene of the crime.

"I rode home from the bookstore Saturday night and locked it up like I always do," Bleidner told disinterested neighbor Kyle Specht. "But when I got up Sunday morning, it was gone. Poof! It just vanished into thin air. Can you believe that?"

"Wow," responded Specht, closing his mailbox and heading quickly for his apartment door. "That sucks."

According to Bleidner, the theft of his bicycle "more than just 'sucks.'" For some reason, though, friends, coworkers, and fellow residents of his building have failed to acknowledge that the loss of his only mode of transportation is "an utter outrage."

Compounding Bleidner's anger is the fact that he "in no way deserved this." Though others may be careless with their bicycles, Bleidner stressed that he was not. At the time of the theft, the bicycle was securely locked to a stairway banister, just feet from the door to his apartment.

"My bike was not out by the street," Bleidner told neighbor Nikki Campbell. "In fact, it's not even visible from the street. Someone had to come into the building in order to see it and steal it. Is that unbelievable or what?"

Campbell replied that she had "never even noticed" that Bleidner kept his bicycle in the hallway.

Upon discovering that the bike was stolen, Bleidner promptly called the Iowa City Police Department. He said he gave police officials a detailed description of the bicycle–down to it's new low-impact Kore gel seat, Shimano brakes, and Homer Simpson sticker–but they were "less than helpful."

"I called the cops right away, before any evidence could be disturbed," Bleidner said. "The policeman on the phone actually asked me if I wanted to have an officer come over. A crime was committed right outside my front door, and the cops are asking me if I want them to investigate? What is going on in this country?"

"Have you seen this bike?"

Officer Dale Randolph arrived three and a half hours later to file a petty-theft report, one of approximately 400 he writes each year.

"When I asked Officer Randolph what the chances were that my bike would be recovered, he said, 'Don't call us, we'll call you,'" Bleidner said. "Then I informed him that the bike was registered with the city and asked if he would like the registration number. So he pauses, as if to think about it, and says, 'Sure, I guess.' Let's just say I was not particularly impressed with this guy."

Dissatisfied with police efforts, Bleidner turned elsewhere for help. At the suggestion of a man who works at the convenience store near his building, Bleidner contacted his landlord.

"The guy at The Market Pantry said that if something belonging to a tenant is stolen, the building owner's insurance should have to cover it," Bleidner said. "But when I tried to explain that to [landlord] Russell [Schalow], he practically hung up on me."

After nearly 20 minutes of listening to Bleidner describe his bike and the responsible manner in which he always locks it, Schalow sent a maintenance man to help him.

"A lot of good that did," Bleidner said. "I was asking Juan all these questions, like, 'Did you see anyone suspicious lurking around the building?' and he just kept saying, 'No, sir. I do not know, sir.'"

Bleidner has since taken the situation into his own hands, blanketing the city with flyers bearing a photo of the lost bicycle and promising a "Large Reward!!!" for information leading to its return.

"There are 65,000 people in this city, and no one saw or heard anything," Bleidner told a young couple as he taped a flyer to a downtown kiosk. "It just doesn't make sense."

Until the crisis is resolved, Bleidner's friends said they intend to avoid him.

"It's too bad that Dan's bike got swiped," friend Pete DiResta said, "but you can only listen to him say, 'It was even locked up' so many times before you want to choke him."

"It was even locked up–with a Kryptonite lock and everything," Bleidner told friend Adam Dorsett. "I told Mike that, and he said crooks know how to break those locks with freon and giant bolt cutters and stuff. Well, if that's true, how the hell can they put 'unbreakable' on the package?"

"You know what I'm going to do?" Bleidner continued. "I'm going to call the Kryptonite 800 number right now. I was using one of their locks, so they have to replace my bike, right?"