No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Entertainment

No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

IOWA CITY, IA–Despite the fact that it cost $350 when purchased two years ago and was still in excellent condition, no one seems to care that area resident Dan Bleidner's Trek 820 mountain bike was stolen from his Lansing Street apartment building Sunday.

Dan Bleidner at the scene of the crime.

"I rode home from the bookstore Saturday night and locked it up like I always do," Bleidner told disinterested neighbor Kyle Specht. "But when I got up Sunday morning, it was gone. Poof! It just vanished into thin air. Can you believe that?"

"Wow," responded Specht, closing his mailbox and heading quickly for his apartment door. "That sucks."

According to Bleidner, the theft of his bicycle "more than just 'sucks.'" For some reason, though, friends, coworkers, and fellow residents of his building have failed to acknowledge that the loss of his only mode of transportation is "an utter outrage."

Compounding Bleidner's anger is the fact that he "in no way deserved this." Though others may be careless with their bicycles, Bleidner stressed that he was not. At the time of the theft, the bicycle was securely locked to a stairway banister, just feet from the door to his apartment.

"My bike was not out by the street," Bleidner told neighbor Nikki Campbell. "In fact, it's not even visible from the street. Someone had to come into the building in order to see it and steal it. Is that unbelievable or what?"

Campbell replied that she had "never even noticed" that Bleidner kept his bicycle in the hallway.

Upon discovering that the bike was stolen, Bleidner promptly called the Iowa City Police Department. He said he gave police officials a detailed description of the bicycle–down to it's new low-impact Kore gel seat, Shimano brakes, and Homer Simpson sticker–but they were "less than helpful."

"I called the cops right away, before any evidence could be disturbed," Bleidner said. "The policeman on the phone actually asked me if I wanted to have an officer come over. A crime was committed right outside my front door, and the cops are asking me if I want them to investigate? What is going on in this country?"

"Have you seen this bike?"

Officer Dale Randolph arrived three and a half hours later to file a petty-theft report, one of approximately 400 he writes each year.

"When I asked Officer Randolph what the chances were that my bike would be recovered, he said, 'Don't call us, we'll call you,'" Bleidner said. "Then I informed him that the bike was registered with the city and asked if he would like the registration number. So he pauses, as if to think about it, and says, 'Sure, I guess.' Let's just say I was not particularly impressed with this guy."

Dissatisfied with police efforts, Bleidner turned elsewhere for help. At the suggestion of a man who works at the convenience store near his building, Bleidner contacted his landlord.

"The guy at The Market Pantry said that if something belonging to a tenant is stolen, the building owner's insurance should have to cover it," Bleidner said. "But when I tried to explain that to [landlord] Russell [Schalow], he practically hung up on me."

After nearly 20 minutes of listening to Bleidner describe his bike and the responsible manner in which he always locks it, Schalow sent a maintenance man to help him.

"A lot of good that did," Bleidner said. "I was asking Juan all these questions, like, 'Did you see anyone suspicious lurking around the building?' and he just kept saying, 'No, sir. I do not know, sir.'"

Bleidner has since taken the situation into his own hands, blanketing the city with flyers bearing a photo of the lost bicycle and promising a "Large Reward!!!" for information leading to its return.

"There are 65,000 people in this city, and no one saw or heard anything," Bleidner told a young couple as he taped a flyer to a downtown kiosk. "It just doesn't make sense."

Until the crisis is resolved, Bleidner's friends said they intend to avoid him.

"It's too bad that Dan's bike got swiped," friend Pete DiResta said, "but you can only listen to him say, 'It was even locked up' so many times before you want to choke him."

"It was even locked up–with a Kryptonite lock and everything," Bleidner told friend Adam Dorsett. "I told Mike that, and he said crooks know how to break those locks with freon and giant bolt cutters and stuff. Well, if that's true, how the hell can they put 'unbreakable' on the package?"

"You know what I'm going to do?" Bleidner continued. "I'm going to call the Kryptonite 800 number right now. I was using one of their locks, so they have to replace my bike, right?"

Next Story