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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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No One Shows Up For Pro Bowl

NEW YORK—Despite the game having been scheduled well over a year ago, not a single person associated with the NFL—players, coaches, reporters, or stadium employees—arrived in Honolulu for the Pro Bowl on Sunday. "No one came," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said at a press conference. "I'd use this as an opportunity to reprimand those who failed to fulfill their duties, but, well, I didn't show up either. I hate the Pro Bowl. It sucks." Though Fox was forced to broadcast a blank screen in lieu of the game, the time slot boasted higher ratings than any Pro Bowl in history.

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