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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘No One Will Push You Into Running For President,’ Jeb Bush Softly Whispers Before Tucking In Sleeping Grandson

FORT WORTH, TX—Smiling softly as he closed the picture book he had been reading and looked down at his young grandson sound asleep, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered into the toddler’s ear while tucking him into bed Wednesday night that no one would ever push him into running for president. “My sweet boy, I swear that nobody will ever pressure you to commission polls to test your national electability or keep trying to put you in touch with family members’ old campaign staffers—not ever,” said Bush in a hushed murmur, his eyes reportedly welling with tears as he pulled the covers up to the boy’s chin and vowed to protect him from those who would repeatedly tell him that a path to the presidency would be easy for an establishment candidate with considerable name recognition. “You can grow up to be anything you want to be—a doctor, a firefighter, you name it—and you’ll never, ever have to set foot in New Hampshire. Or you can just stay in state-level politics, if that’s what you know you want. I promise.” At press time, sources confirmed Bush could be seen looking back at his grandson from the bedroom doorway, a single tear visibly streaking down his cheek before he stepped into the hallway to take a call from a high-level donor.

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