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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin Jeffrey

He Makes A Very Nice Living

DAVENPORT, IA—Sources confirmed Tuesday that if you just apply yourself and refocus your energy toward something a little more concrete, there is absolutely nothing holding you back from becoming a successful chiropractor like your cousin Jeffrey.

Jeffrey reportedly made some time on Thursday to see your aunt Arlene and didn’t even charge her.

Jeffrey, 32, who reportedly works long but not crazy hours, and started his own practice a year after graduating from chiropractic school, makes a very comfortable living. According to your Aunt Sharon, Jeffrey is his own boss, he can take vacation time whenever he wants, and people call him "doctor."

Sources have urged you to look at Jeffrey, just look at him with his house and lawn and all that new chiropractic equipment he was talking about last Thanksgiving, and don't think for a second that couldn't be you.

Sources added that you have always been just as smart, if not smarter, than Jeffrey.

Though records indicate you typically roll your eyes at the mention of your cousin, often saying, "Jeffrey, Jeffrey, always with Jeffrey," those familiar with the situation have urged you to just calm down and listen for a second. The website www.salarywizard.com, which is a good one, confirmed that the average yearly income for a chiropractor is $85,000—a figure that would get you out of that one-bedroom apartment of yours, and is admittedly a lot more than what you make at the restaurant you've been at for, what is it now, six years?

Sources know you asked your brother Max for a $2,000 loan last week. Is everything okay?

Further research revealed that chiropractors specialize in diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of mechanical disorders of what's called the musculoskeletal system, which is perfect because you always loved science in† school. Being a chiropractor reportedly sounds very interesting and is probably something you would be excellent at if you took it seriously like Jeffrey, who has a nice haircut, and more than one decent suit, and look at him now on that bus ad.

Jeffrey is reportedly thinking about adding a patio to his backyard next summer.

Born in 1978, Jeffrey is three years younger than you, not that that matters. After graduating from Iowa State, which you could have easily attended had you worked a little harder in high school, Jeffrey enrolled at Palmer Chiropractic College, where, according to his wife Diane, he still has an in. He has two children, Matt, 4, and Grace, 2.

Don't you want kids someday?

While you have adamantly stated in prior conversations that you do not care about the amount of money Jeffrey makes and that you are not impressed by the new 56-inch television he had installed in his bedroom—plasma, by the way—you have been begged not to walk away from this conversation because this is reportedly important. If you don't want to be a chiropractor like Jeffrey, sources claim that's fine, but what about going into sales like your sister Amanda, or doing something with your hands like your friend Greg.

Greg is also doing quite well for himself after he finally got his act together, sources confirmed.

Look, those with knowledge of the situation said, you have to do something with your life because the truth of the matter is that you are not getting any younger. You should, at the very least, talk to Jeffrey or, sources maintained, see if maybe he needs an assistant or something.

At press time, if you don't call him then it's your own fault.

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