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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin Jeffrey

He Makes A Very Nice Living

DAVENPORT, IA—Sources confirmed Tuesday that if you just apply yourself and refocus your energy toward something a little more concrete, there is absolutely nothing holding you back from becoming a successful chiropractor like your cousin Jeffrey.

Jeffrey reportedly made some time on Thursday to see your aunt Arlene and didn’t even charge her.

Jeffrey, 32, who reportedly works long but not crazy hours, and started his own practice a year after graduating from chiropractic school, makes a very comfortable living. According to your Aunt Sharon, Jeffrey is his own boss, he can take vacation time whenever he wants, and people call him "doctor."

Sources have urged you to look at Jeffrey, just look at him with his house and lawn and all that new chiropractic equipment he was talking about last Thanksgiving, and don't think for a second that couldn't be you.

Sources added that you have always been just as smart, if not smarter, than Jeffrey.

Though records indicate you typically roll your eyes at the mention of your cousin, often saying, "Jeffrey, Jeffrey, always with Jeffrey," those familiar with the situation have urged you to just calm down and listen for a second. The website www.salarywizard.com, which is a good one, confirmed that the average yearly income for a chiropractor is $85,000—a figure that would get you out of that one-bedroom apartment of yours, and is admittedly a lot more than what you make at the restaurant you've been at for, what is it now, six years?

Sources know you asked your brother Max for a $2,000 loan last week. Is everything okay?

Further research revealed that chiropractors specialize in diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of mechanical disorders of what's called the musculoskeletal system, which is perfect because you always loved science in† school. Being a chiropractor reportedly sounds very interesting and is probably something you would be excellent at if you took it seriously like Jeffrey, who has a nice haircut, and more than one decent suit, and look at him now on that bus ad.

Jeffrey is reportedly thinking about adding a patio to his backyard next summer.

Born in 1978, Jeffrey is three years younger than you, not that that matters. After graduating from Iowa State, which you could have easily attended had you worked a little harder in high school, Jeffrey enrolled at Palmer Chiropractic College, where, according to his wife Diane, he still has an in. He has two children, Matt, 4, and Grace, 2.

Don't you want kids someday?

While you have adamantly stated in prior conversations that you do not care about the amount of money Jeffrey makes and that you are not impressed by the new 56-inch television he had installed in his bedroom—plasma, by the way—you have been begged not to walk away from this conversation because this is reportedly important. If you don't want to be a chiropractor like Jeffrey, sources claim that's fine, but what about going into sales like your sister Amanda, or doing something with your hands like your friend Greg.

Greg is also doing quite well for himself after he finally got his act together, sources confirmed.

Look, those with knowledge of the situation said, you have to do something with your life because the truth of the matter is that you are not getting any younger. You should, at the very least, talk to Jeffrey or, sources maintained, see if maybe he needs an assistant or something.

At press time, if you don't call him then it's your own fault.

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