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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Nobel Fever Grips Research Community As Prize Swells To $190 Million

STOCKHOLM–The Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, unclaimed in 2000, has climbed to a staggering $190 million, setting off a frenzy of research and publication among scientists.

King Carl XVI Gustaf keeps an eye on the Nobel jackpot.

"This is very exciting," said Sweden's King Carl XVI Gustaf, who will announce the winner of the Nobel Prize at a gala July 20 ceremony in Stockholm. "One lucky scientist will never have to do another research project for the rest of his life."

Scientists around the globe are submitting their studies to the Nobel committee in the hopes of striking it rich.

"I think I've got a real shot at the grand prize with my genomewide scan of 200 families with hereditary prostate cancer that can be used to identify regions of putative prostate-cancer-susceptibility loci," said Dr. Henry Chu, a Duke University geneticist. "Man, if that comes through, I'm hanging the 'Gone Fishin'' sign on my laboratory door and never looking back."

Medical and scientific journals have been deluged with submissions from researchers clamoring to be published before the Nobel drawing.

"We've received so many articles, our review board can barely keep up," said Cathy Gapstur, editor of The New England Journal Of Medicine. "Yesterday alone, the mailman dropped off 27 papers on the effects of leukocyte adhesion on blood flow in microvessels."

Researchers are employing numerous strategies to increase their odds of winning the prize. Among the more popular is to submit multiple papers for publication. Another is for researchers to band together in "Nobel pools," with each participant contributing a small amount of research to a large number of studies.

"I'm working on a study of the efficacy of prescription medications in smoking cessation and whether said medications can be utilized for other chemical addictions," said Dr. Laurie Colangelo, a medical researcher at Northwestern University. "Also in my pool are doctors working on lymphatic cancer, organ cloning, and spinal-cord regeneration. We're steering clear of doing any AIDS research, because that's what won last time. What are the odds of the same subject winning twice in a row?"

With the money for the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine at an all-time high, Nobel candidates from other disciplines are crossing over into medical research.

"My fight to restore the indigenous rights of Australia's aboriginal peoples was very important to me," said former Nobel Peace Prize candidate Ian Woolsey-Ganser, who recently gave up the oppressed group's cause to study genes in mice that have been shown to affect physiological rates. "But, I mean, $190 million? That's like, 'Wow.' The aborigines can wait."

The $190 million figure represents the highest cash prize in Nobel history. The previous largest was awarded in 1987, when Nobel Prize in Economics winner Trygve Haavelmo took home $57 million for his clarification of the probability theory foundations of econometrics and analyses of simultaneous economic structures.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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