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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Nobel Prize Awarded To Man Who Helped Humans Have More Fucking Babies

STOCKHOLM—The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to Robert Edwards, the British in vitro fertilization pioneer who made it possible for shitloads more babies to be born on top of the half million or so daily births already dangerously stressing the planet's dwindling resources. "The long-term impact of Edwards' work is absolutely staggering," read a statement from the Nobel Assembly describing the technology that allows infertile couples to not only give birth but choose the gender and eye color of their child instead of, say, adopting one of the thousands of tsunami-orphaned children in need of a home. "We congratulate him on finding a way for rich limpdicks to achieve what nearly a million poor couples do by complete fucking accident every day." Nobel officials also awarded the Prize in Chemistry to the inventor of Pepcid antacids, which allow people to eat twice as much goddamn food as anybody needs, and the Prize in Literature to Twilight author Stephenie Meyer, "because fuck it."

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