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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Nobel Prize Awarded To Man Who Helped Humans Have More Fucking Babies

STOCKHOLM—The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to Robert Edwards, the British in vitro fertilization pioneer who made it possible for shitloads more babies to be born on top of the half million or so daily births already dangerously stressing the planet's dwindling resources. "The long-term impact of Edwards' work is absolutely staggering," read a statement from the Nobel Assembly describing the technology that allows infertile couples to not only give birth but choose the gender and eye color of their child instead of, say, adopting one of the thousands of tsunami-orphaned children in need of a home. "We congratulate him on finding a way for rich limpdicks to achieve what nearly a million poor couples do by complete fucking accident every day." Nobel officials also awarded the Prize in Chemistry to the inventor of Pepcid antacids, which allow people to eat twice as much goddamn food as anybody needs, and the Prize in Literature to Twilight author Stephenie Meyer, "because fuck it."

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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