Nobel Prize Committee Adds 'Most Ripped Abs' Category

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?

Al Gore Stood Up On Diplomatic Visit

PARIS—Vice-President Al Gore felt a deep, all-consuming sense of worthlessness Monday, when, after months of careful diplomatic networking, he was stood up by French officials who were supposed to meet him to discuss vital foreign trade issues.
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Nobel Prize Committee Adds 'Most Ripped Abs' Category

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—The Alfred B. Nobel Foundation's annual awards ceremony was enhanced Friday with the addition of the first-ever Nobel Prize For Ripped Abs.

Laguna Beach, CA, personal trainer Ron Seaver (right) accepts the inaugural Nobel Prize For Ripped Abs from Sweden's King Karl Gustaf.

The new category was established by the Nobel Committee to honor outstanding achievement in the areas of upper abs, lower abs and obliques.

Of the thousands of scientists, authors and university professors from around the world who were nominated, the inaugural Nobel Prize For Ripped Abs was awarded to Laguna Beach, CA, personal trainer and mountain biking enthusiast Ron Seaver, 28.

"Thank you very much," Seaver said upon receiving the gold Nobel medallion from Sweden's King Karl Gustaf. "Basically, what I try to do is five sets of 30 to 40 crunches every day, alternating between slow, low-reps of incline sit-ups to work the slow-twitch muscle fibers and quick, high-rep crunches to work the fast-twitch muscle fibers. In between sets I like to mix it up with cardiovascular work—cycling, swimming, even rollerblading."

Seaver then turned serious, adding: "It's very important to take at least one day a week off. Down time is when your muscles actually do all of their rebuilding."

Nobel Committee members, including professors from the University of Helsinki, Yale University and the famed Karolinska Institute, were impressed with the angled, defined corners on Seaver's abs, and the visible sinew beneath his trim, toned "six-pack."

Nobel Committee Chair Grueder Halstrüm, Fellow of the Danish Academy of Sciences in Copenhagen, said: "Mr. Seaver has great abs. His tireless dedication to his abdominal region is apparent in a 'washboard stomach' that is more ripped than any other in the world of modern abs."

In his presentation speech to Seaver, King Gustaf said: "Your ripped abs are an inspiration to all of mankind. They will get all the citizens of the world 'psyched' to work their own abs harder."

An appreciative Seaver told the assembled crowd that it was "a great honor" to receive the Nobel Prize. "There are so many other people out there who would have been just as deserving of this award. My workout partner, Mitch, has incredible definition. Bruce Bloch, who works out at Gold's Gym over in Santa Cruz, is every bit as ripped as me, and he has even better symmetry."

Seaver also thanked his longtime mentor, Russian physicist Pavel Cherenkov, winner of the 1958 Nobel Prize For Physics, who died last December. "Pavel taught me everything I know," a visibly buffed Seaver said. "He taught me to keep my knees together, elbows in, and never to cheat by anchoring my legs. I just know he's up there somewhere, totally juiced right now."

Moved to tears, Seaver stepped down from the platform and carbo-loaded.

Many of the world's leading political and intellectual figures in attendance at the ceremony were both moved and motivated by Seaver's acceptance speech.

"After seeing Mr. Seaver up there, I realize that my stomach could use some work," German Chancellor Helmut Kohl said. "Ever since re-unification I have been making excuses, saying that I do not have time to worry about getting rid of my love handles. Well, I can ignore this problem no longer."

"If I do not start doing sit-ups soon," said Nobel Prize-winning author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, 78, "I will not be in shape for the coming swimsuit season."

Men's Health reporter Bradley Simmons covered the Nobel Prize ceremony for the magazine. "Seaver was the clear choice in the Ripped Abs Category," Simmons said. "His abs are totally cut. Look for him on the cover of the next issue of Men's Health in connection with our late-breaking piece on how to flatten your tummy in just 10 weeks."

Seaver plans to use his $950,000 prize money to travel throughout the Third World teaching the poor how to add definition to their abs.

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