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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Nobel Prize In Chemistry Awarded To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of his contributions to the field of making sixth-grade chemistry fun, Taft Middle School teacher Peter Ambler was awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry on Monday. “Mr. Ambler is pretty chill, and he makes jokes and does cool activities and stuff, which is awesome because he doesn’t make chemistry seem all boring and lame,” read an announcement from the Nobel Prize committee, adding that the 46-year-old teacher is “super dorky about science” but is otherwise nice and doesn’t grade that hard. “He does a lot of fun experiments and stuff instead of just worksheets and tests. He’s not all strict like Ms. Caputo. And on Halloween he’ll usually come in dressed up as, like, a molecule or something funny like that. He’s pretty cool.” According to Nobel officials, what really put Ambler above the competition for the $1.2 million prize was a few months ago when he showed how you can make a battery out of a grapefruit.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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