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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nobel Prize In Chemistry Awarded To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of his contributions to the field of making sixth-grade chemistry fun, Taft Middle School teacher Peter Ambler was awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry on Monday. “Mr. Ambler is pretty chill, and he makes jokes and does cool activities and stuff, which is awesome because he doesn’t make chemistry seem all boring and lame,” read an announcement from the Nobel Prize committee, adding that the 46-year-old teacher is “super dorky about science” but is otherwise nice and doesn’t grade that hard. “He does a lot of fun experiments and stuff instead of just worksheets and tests. He’s not all strict like Ms. Caputo. And on Halloween he’ll usually come in dressed up as, like, a molecule or something funny like that. He’s pretty cool.” According to Nobel officials, what really put Ambler above the competition for the $1.2 million prize was a few months ago when he showed how you can make a battery out of a grapefruit.

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