adBlockCheck

Business

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nobody At Capital One Can Remember Why It Put Vikings In Its Ads

MCLEAN, VA—Despite spending hundreds of millions of dollars in branding and promotion each year, no one at Capital One Financial Corporation can precisely recall why its ads center around a merry group of cost-conscious Vikings, sources reported Thursday. “I know there was some sort of connection between Vikings and credit cards at some point, but I honestly don’t remember what it was—something about raiding your credit card bill or something?” said the bank’s vice president of marketing, Dave Erlenmeyer, echoing the thoughts of everyone within the company. “Or maybe it’s because our fees are so low it’s just like pillaging? I honestly have no idea. All I know is every time we do a commercial now it has to have Vikings in it.” According to focus group data, TV viewers had been under the impression that the commercials were previews for an upcoming Viking-themed sitcom entitled Capital One: What’s In Your Wallet?.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close