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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nobody At University Of Alabama Caught Saturday’s Game

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Vaguely claiming they had “some stuff to do on Saturday,” every single person at the University of Alabama reportedly missed this past weekend’s stunning Iron Bowl loss to Auburn, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, yeah, I was really busy that afternoon, so I wasn’t able to catch the game,” said 21-year-old junior Craig Hopkins, who, along with every other Crimson Tide student, professor, administrator, and alumnus, was reportedly “out at this place” while the game was on and couldn’t get to a television. “I wish I could have watched it, but it’s not that big of a deal anyway. You know, it’s actually a much bigger game for Auburn than it is for us. But I’ll, uh, definitely check out the highlights later when I’m not so swamped.” The entire population of Tuscaloosa later repeatedly stressed to reporters that they still have the game on DVR and don’t want to talk about what happened before they watch it.

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