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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Nobody Can Quite Make Out If Lou Holtz Just Went On An Anti-Muslim Rant On ESPN

BRISTOL, CT—It remains unclear whether ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz went on a lengthy, bigoted tangent against Muslims during an on-air segment, sources at the network reported earlier today. “From what I could tell, he either said something derogatory about Muslims or just told me how much he likes roast beef,” said fellow analyst Mark May, who noted that Holtz kept spitting—apparently out of anger—throughout the incomprehensible diatribe. “The whole thing sounded like a mish-mash of anti-Islamic rhetoric along with a list of European cities or something about his ankles, though it was all admittedly pretty hard to discern. Whatever it was, I was offended.” Following his possible tirade, Holtz reportedly glared at the camera for several seconds until the video feed cut back to May.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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