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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nomar Garciaparra Tells Wife To Meet Him On Disabled List At 8 p.m.

LOS ANGELES—Dodgers third baseman Nomar Garciaparra left a voicemail message for his wife, former soccer star Mia Hamm, asking her to meet him on Major League Baseball's disabled list for a date Friday night. "Hey, after you're finished grocery shopping, why don't you swing over to the DL to grab a bite—I'll be hanging out in my usual spot, right below Kason Gabbard and right above Alex Gonzalez," Garciaparra reportedly said, stressing that she should meet him on the 15-day DL, not the 60-day DL. "Mark [Prior] and Mikey [Hampton] will be there too. Should be fun." Upon hearing the message, Hamm complained that Garciaparra "always" wants to hang out on the DL, and expressed frustration that she has to tear her hamstring every time she wants to spend time with her husband.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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