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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Non-Denominational Terrorist Organization Welcomes Extremists Of All Faiths

DAMASCUS—Saying its doors were open to anyone with hate in their heart, sources at non-denominational terrorist group Universal Soldiers of Vengeance told reporters Friday that the organization welcomes radicals of all faiths. “Unlike other terror groups that can be too narrow and dogmatic, we encourage our members to use whichever religious justification they most identify with when indiscriminately slaughtering scores of innocent people,” said USOV spokesman Rahman Hasemian, who noted that the group is open to perpetrating massacres in the name of God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, or dozens of other deities. “We each have our own path to opening fire on a crowd of unsuspecting villagers or blowing up a public market, and there is room for each and every kind of religiously motivated violence here. We must always remember that the complete disregard for human life we share is stronger than the beliefs that divide us.” To determine whether USOV is a good fit for them, Hasemian added that any and all bloodthirsty zealots are always encouraged to stop by a meeting and execute a hostage in the name of whatever higher power they believe in.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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