Non-Spooktacular Haunted House Under Fire From Community

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Non-Spooktacular Haunted House Under Fire From Community

MALDEN, MA—A group of outraged community members gathered at city hall Monday to protest a Malden Jaycees' House Of Horror they called "utterly un-spooktacular."

The Malden Jaycees' less-than-frightastic House Of Horror.

"This so-called 'spooktacular' haunted house claims to offer both thrills and chills," said Barb Weyner, official spokesperson for the coalition of angry citizens. "Yet visitors to this sham of a devilish diversion reported that not only did their blood fail to run cold, but that no fiendish fun is to be had throughout the entire non-hair-raising experience."

"This house is not a scream," Weyner added. "And, as far as I can tell, people are not dying to get in."

After 20 minutes of chanting, "Hey-hey! Ho-host! The House Of Horror has got to ghost!" the demonstrators were led into Mayor Sidney Trent's office, demanding that the supposedly frightastic haunted house be closed. Trent promised to "immediately look into these serious allegations of substandard spookery."

Located in Jaycee member Will Banghart's unfinished basement, the embattled haunted house opened its doors to the public Oct. 15. Since then, its opponents claim, it has failed to induce fearful fun in any of the roughly 250 people who have paid $4.75 to enter.

With the house's highly publicized Creepy Costume Contest and pumpkin-carving party just days away, the group felt that now was the time to act, before too many others were drawn to the less-than-eerie abode.

"This sort of second-rate, un-creeptastic dungeon of doom may be acceptable in other neighborhoods, but not in mine," said concerned parent Erin Willis. "My own children were lured to this Halloween happening with promises of a ghoulishly good time. But once inside, they discovered a very un-nightmarish netherworld of fake cobwebs, colored light bulbs and muffled sound effects."

A number of other non-spine-chilling shenanigans were cited by the house's critics, including unpainted tombstones obviously constructed of styrofoam, eyeless bed-sheet ghosts, and construction-paper bats that were lazily taped to the ceiling rather than being suspended from fishing line.

In addition, contrary to promises made in an ad in last Sunday's Malden Bugle-Tribune, there has been little to no "frolicking with Frankenstein," as the five-foot-six monster is almost always busy tending to the house's dry-ice buckets.

"They call that a Trick Or Treat Terror Trail?" Willis said. "I've seen scarier axe murderers on the Luther League Haunted Hayride."

Of all the people who have passed through the House Of Horror to date, only a handful reported being even mildly tormented.

"Do they think I'm stupid or something?" 14-year-old Jeff Engers asked. "Those were obviously peeled grapes in that bowl."

"Yeah," agreed Engers' 11-year-old sister Tara. "And those rats were so totally plastic."

As of press time, the Jaycees have declined to respond to charges that the House Of Horror is sub-ghastly.

"We're open Friday through Sunday from 6 to 9 p.m. Come on in for a frightfully good time... if you dare," said Jaycees vice-president/mummy Marilyn Schulte, bending to wrap lengths of toilet paper around her legs. "And please, no children under eight."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close