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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On

WHEELING, WV—Saying they don't know why it never occurred to them before, friends of local man Paul Helton told reporters Sunday that they have never once seen Helton with a shirt on. "I've seen him with a shirt thrown over his shoulder, and I've seen him with a shirt tied around his waist, but no, I guess I've never actually seen a shirt physically covering his torso," said Jeff Callahan, 36, adding that Helton probably wears a shirt to his job at the bank, though he admitted he's never actually seen Helton at work. "Wait, he must've worn a—nope. He didn't have a shirt on for that entire WVU football game last January, either." According to friends, Helton is also shirtless in all of his baby pictures.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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