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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On

WHEELING, WV—Saying they don't know why it never occurred to them before, friends of local man Paul Helton told reporters Sunday that they have never once seen Helton with a shirt on. "I've seen him with a shirt thrown over his shoulder, and I've seen him with a shirt tied around his waist, but no, I guess I've never actually seen a shirt physically covering his torso," said Jeff Callahan, 36, adding that Helton probably wears a shirt to his job at the bank, though he admitted he's never actually seen Helton at work. "Wait, he must've worn a—nope. He didn't have a shirt on for that entire WVU football game last January, either." According to friends, Helton is also shirtless in all of his baby pictures.

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