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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On

WHEELING, WV—Saying they don't know why it never occurred to them before, friends of local man Paul Helton told reporters Sunday that they have never once seen Helton with a shirt on. "I've seen him with a shirt thrown over his shoulder, and I've seen him with a shirt tied around his waist, but no, I guess I've never actually seen a shirt physically covering his torso," said Jeff Callahan, 36, adding that Helton probably wears a shirt to his job at the bank, though he admitted he's never actually seen Helton at work. "Wait, he must've worn a—nope. He didn't have a shirt on for that entire WVU football game last January, either." According to friends, Helton is also shirtless in all of his baby pictures.

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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