Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Sleep

Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and traveled from as far away as Kansas. "This particular Larry is easily identified as invasive based on the colorful Kansas City Chiefs markings on his jacket," said local ecologist Russ Manning, adding that the Larry might have migrated eastward for the Powerball jackpot or simply gone out to find food and become lost. "Confirming this is not a native subspecies of Larry is his cry of 'Pop? Pop?' which is easily distinguishable from the local Larry's 'So-da! So-da!' Poor little guy is probably scared to death being this far from home." Manning stressed the importance of returning the invasive Larry to his native habitat before he mates with an indigenous Cheryl, upsetting the delicate balance of the local pool-hall ecosystem.