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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and traveled from as far away as Kansas. "This particular Larry is easily identified as invasive based on the colorful Kansas City Chiefs markings on his jacket," said local ecologist Russ Manning, adding that the Larry might have migrated eastward for the Powerball jackpot or simply gone out to find food and become lost. "Confirming this is not a native subspecies of Larry is his cry of 'Pop? Pop?' which is easily distinguishable from the local Larry's 'So-da! So-da!' Poor little guy is probably scared to death being this far from home." Manning stressed the importance of returning the invasive Larry to his native habitat before he mates with an indigenous Cheryl, upsetting the delicate balance of the local pool-hall ecosystem.

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