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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and traveled from as far away as Kansas. "This particular Larry is easily identified as invasive based on the colorful Kansas City Chiefs markings on his jacket," said local ecologist Russ Manning, adding that the Larry might have migrated eastward for the Powerball jackpot or simply gone out to find food and become lost. "Confirming this is not a native subspecies of Larry is his cry of 'Pop? Pop?' which is easily distinguishable from the local Larry's 'So-da! So-da!' Poor little guy is probably scared to death being this far from home." Manning stressed the importance of returning the invasive Larry to his native habitat before he mates with an indigenous Cheryl, upsetting the delicate balance of the local pool-hall ecosystem.

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