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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and traveled from as far away as Kansas. "This particular Larry is easily identified as invasive based on the colorful Kansas City Chiefs markings on his jacket," said local ecologist Russ Manning, adding that the Larry might have migrated eastward for the Powerball jackpot or simply gone out to find food and become lost. "Confirming this is not a native subspecies of Larry is his cry of 'Pop? Pop?' which is easily distinguishable from the local Larry's 'So-da! So-da!' Poor little guy is probably scared to death being this far from home." Manning stressed the importance of returning the invasive Larry to his native habitat before he mates with an indigenous Cheryl, upsetting the delicate balance of the local pool-hall ecosystem.

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