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Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way

TAMPA BAY, FL—Mike Geyer, 38, a self-proclaimed nonvoter, told friends and colleagues Wednesday that his decision not to cast a ballot like an active participant in a free democratic society was justified by the predictable outcome of the 2010 midterm elections. "I told you," said Geyer, who didn't vote in 2008 because the country "would never elect a black president" and who has opted to mute his own voice in the electoral process rather than risk having his vote canceled out by someone with an opposing view. "It's not like what's-his-face had a chance, anyway." Geyer added that he might vote in 2012 if the new online voting application for masturbators improves its interface.

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