Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way

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Vol 46 Issue 44

NBA Announces Plans To Play Game In London In Swimming Pool

NEW YORK—As part of a continuing effort to expand the NBA into international markets, Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the New Jersey Nets and Toronto Raptors would play the league’s first regular season game in London in a sw...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way

TAMPA BAY, FL—Mike Geyer, 38, a self-proclaimed nonvoter, told friends and colleagues Wednesday that his decision not to cast a ballot like an active participant in a free democratic society was justified by the predictable outcome of the 2010 midterm elections. "I told you," said Geyer, who didn't vote in 2008 because the country "would never elect a black president" and who has opted to mute his own voice in the electoral process rather than risk having his vote canceled out by someone with an opposing view. "It's not like what's-his-face had a chance, anyway." Geyer added that he might vote in 2012 if the new online voting application for masturbators improves its interface.

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