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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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North Carolina Elects Someone To Run Out For Cigarettes

RALEIGH, NC—In a decisive 91-8 vote Monday, the North Carolina Legislature elected Rep. David Schare (D-Wilmington) to run out and get some cigarettes for his fellow legislators. "Mister Speaker and all my distinguished colleagues, I am honored to accept the post of Smokesman-At-Arms," Schare said following the vote. "I will do my very best to fulfill my duties faithfully and diligently. So, who wants menthols?" Schare is the 49th person to hold the recently renamed post, which had been called "Faggoteer General" since the state's first assembly in 1789.

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