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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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North Dakota Flooding Reminds People Of North Dakota's Existence

FARGO, ND—Flood waters reached record highs throughout North Dakota Tuesday, causing millions in property damage and reminding non-North Dakotans of the existence of the low-profile Great Plains state. "I've never been to North Dakota," said San Francisco-area investment banker Gabriel Bennett. "But I saw that movie about it." Phoenix housewife and mother of three Sheila Raines expressed similar recollection: "Isn't that where Mount Rushmore is, or is that the other one?" Once flood waters recede, North Dakota is expected to return to obscurity until February 2012, when all of its residents will perish in an ice storm.

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