adBlockCheck

North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon

Thousands cheer Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s triumph of being the first man to walk on the moon.
Thousands cheer Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s triumph of being the first man to walk on the moon.

PYONGYANG—Jubilation sounded far and wide in the North Korean capital today as upwards of 100,000 cheering citizens proudly thronged Kim Il-sung Square to celebrate the historic news that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had become the first man to walk on the moon, ecstatic North Korean sources reported.

North Korean officials confirmed to the cheering multitudes that not only had the country soundly trumped and “obliterated the memory” of South Korea’s recent successful launch of a civilian rocket, but that the unprecedented moon-walking achievement was performed by none other than the supreme leader Kim Jong-un himself in yet another display of his substantial cleverness and strength.

“Heroic comrades, we give our imperialist aggressors yet another reason to feel their inferiority as our glorious leader extends our empire to the moon and the stars!” announced Minister of Aerospace Sciences Kai Gyoh Kyoung as an image of the great leader spearing a Democratic People’s Republic of Korea flag into a lunar crater was projected onto five 300-foot screens alongside a sequin-outfitted orchestra of thousands. “Our fearless leader’s achievement has no precedent and will ensure North Korea’s continued dominance. His bravery is godlike!”

“History has been made by our great Democratic People’s Republic,” continued Minister Kai Gyoh Kyoung as a company of 900 baton-twirling dancers appeared on a platform and began performing an intricate series of flips in perfect unison. “For a man to walk among the heavens was thought impossible. Our Dear Leader knows no such word.”

Sources reported a hush falling over the crowd as officials then recounted North Korea’s impressive aeronautic history, contextualizing this latest achievement in a string of uninterrupted triumphs, dating from 1954’s successful overthrow of imperialist South Koreans to the founding of North Korea’s vaunted space program earlier this decade, which government sources called the most advanced in history.

The rapt crowd then erupted into pandemonium as celebratory rice rations, vitamin packs, and canned water were distributed.

“Not only do we have the strongest military and economy in the world, but now we’re the first country to put a man on the moon?” exclaimed an emaciated textile worker who had to yell to overpower the din of laughter, cheers, and sobs. “How is such a feat even conceivable?”

Numerous North Korean sources also wondered aloud whether the rumors were true that Pyongyang’s vast network of computerized online data—the first of its kind in the world—would soon reach the outer provinces.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close