North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Fantasy Sports

North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon

Thousands cheer Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s triumph of being the first man to walk on the moon.
Thousands cheer Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s triumph of being the first man to walk on the moon.

PYONGYANG—Jubilation sounded far and wide in the North Korean capital today as upwards of 100,000 cheering citizens proudly thronged Kim Il-sung Square to celebrate the historic news that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had become the first man to walk on the moon, ecstatic North Korean sources reported.

North Korean officials confirmed to the cheering multitudes that not only had the country soundly trumped and “obliterated the memory” of South Korea’s recent successful launch of a civilian rocket, but that the unprecedented moon-walking achievement was performed by none other than the supreme leader Kim Jong-un himself in yet another display of his substantial cleverness and strength.

“Heroic comrades, we give our imperialist aggressors yet another reason to feel their inferiority as our glorious leader extends our empire to the moon and the stars!” announced Minister of Aerospace Sciences Kai Gyoh Kyoung as an image of the great leader spearing a Democratic People’s Republic of Korea flag into a lunar crater was projected onto five 300-foot screens alongside a sequin-outfitted orchestra of thousands. “Our fearless leader’s achievement has no precedent and will ensure North Korea’s continued dominance. His bravery is godlike!”

“History has been made by our great Democratic People’s Republic,” continued Minister Kai Gyoh Kyoung as a company of 900 baton-twirling dancers appeared on a platform and began performing an intricate series of flips in perfect unison. “For a man to walk among the heavens was thought impossible. Our Dear Leader knows no such word.”

Sources reported a hush falling over the crowd as officials then recounted North Korea’s impressive aeronautic history, contextualizing this latest achievement in a string of uninterrupted triumphs, dating from 1954’s successful overthrow of imperialist South Koreans to the founding of North Korea’s vaunted space program earlier this decade, which government sources called the most advanced in history.

The rapt crowd then erupted into pandemonium as celebratory rice rations, vitamin packs, and canned water were distributed.

“Not only do we have the strongest military and economy in the world, but now we’re the first country to put a man on the moon?” exclaimed an emaciated textile worker who had to yell to overpower the din of laughter, cheers, and sobs. “How is such a feat even conceivable?”

Numerous North Korean sources also wondered aloud whether the rumors were true that Pyongyang’s vast network of computerized online data—the first of its kind in the world—would soon reach the outer provinces.