adBlockCheck

North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon

Thousands cheer Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s triumph of being the first man to walk on the moon.
Thousands cheer Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s triumph of being the first man to walk on the moon.

PYONGYANG—Jubilation sounded far and wide in the North Korean capital today as upwards of 100,000 cheering citizens proudly thronged Kim Il-sung Square to celebrate the historic news that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had become the first man to walk on the moon, ecstatic North Korean sources reported.

North Korean officials confirmed to the cheering multitudes that not only had the country soundly trumped and “obliterated the memory” of South Korea’s recent successful launch of a civilian rocket, but that the unprecedented moon-walking achievement was performed by none other than the supreme leader Kim Jong-un himself in yet another display of his substantial cleverness and strength.

“Heroic comrades, we give our imperialist aggressors yet another reason to feel their inferiority as our glorious leader extends our empire to the moon and the stars!” announced Minister of Aerospace Sciences Kai Gyoh Kyoung as an image of the great leader spearing a Democratic People’s Republic of Korea flag into a lunar crater was projected onto five 300-foot screens alongside a sequin-outfitted orchestra of thousands. “Our fearless leader’s achievement has no precedent and will ensure North Korea’s continued dominance. His bravery is godlike!”

“History has been made by our great Democratic People’s Republic,” continued Minister Kai Gyoh Kyoung as a company of 900 baton-twirling dancers appeared on a platform and began performing an intricate series of flips in perfect unison. “For a man to walk among the heavens was thought impossible. Our Dear Leader knows no such word.”

Sources reported a hush falling over the crowd as officials then recounted North Korea’s impressive aeronautic history, contextualizing this latest achievement in a string of uninterrupted triumphs, dating from 1954’s successful overthrow of imperialist South Koreans to the founding of North Korea’s vaunted space program earlier this decade, which government sources called the most advanced in history.

The rapt crowd then erupted into pandemonium as celebratory rice rations, vitamin packs, and canned water were distributed.

“Not only do we have the strongest military and economy in the world, but now we’re the first country to put a man on the moon?” exclaimed an emaciated textile worker who had to yell to overpower the din of laughter, cheers, and sobs. “How is such a feat even conceivable?”

Numerous North Korean sources also wondered aloud whether the rumors were true that Pyongyang’s vast network of computerized online data—the first of its kind in the world—would soon reach the outer provinces.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close