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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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North Korea Claims New Long Range Missile Has Ability To Fly Right Up In The Air, Not Unlike A Bird Or A Fly

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a provocative and defiant pronouncement aimed at the United States and the U.N., North Korean officials announced Thursday that the country’s latest generation of ballistic missiles possessed the capability to fly right up into the air, much the same as a young bird or a silvery dragonfly might. “Our mighty new Unha missile will go very high, up to the skies above, not at all unlike a long-necked crane rising from the Jiandao marsh,” said vice marshal of the Korean People’s Army Hyon Yong-chol, who went on to liken the weapon’s “terrific fearsomeness” to an angered ox. “Let all nations hear these words: our missile will soar great distances like a migrating duck flying among clouds before returning to the earth with the force of 10,000 pine trees falling. Dire consequences await all who do not heed this warning!” Hyon also confirmed that North Korea would soon test another of its nuclear weapons, which he said was capable of delivering unfathomable levels of death and misery, not unlike the chronic malnutrition that afflicts roughly one-third of his nation’s children.

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