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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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North Korea Claims New Long Range Missile Has Ability To Fly Right Up In The Air, Not Unlike A Bird Or A Fly

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a provocative and defiant pronouncement aimed at the United States and the U.N., North Korean officials announced Thursday that the country’s latest generation of ballistic missiles possessed the capability to fly right up into the air, much the same as a young bird or a silvery dragonfly might. “Our mighty new Unha missile will go very high, up to the skies above, not at all unlike a long-necked crane rising from the Jiandao marsh,” said vice marshal of the Korean People’s Army Hyon Yong-chol, who went on to liken the weapon’s “terrific fearsomeness” to an angered ox. “Let all nations hear these words: our missile will soar great distances like a migrating duck flying among clouds before returning to the earth with the force of 10,000 pine trees falling. Dire consequences await all who do not heed this warning!” Hyon also confirmed that North Korea would soon test another of its nuclear weapons, which he said was capable of delivering unfathomable levels of death and misery, not unlike the chronic malnutrition that afflicts roughly one-third of his nation’s children.

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