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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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North Korea Releases New Paintings Of Healthy Kim Jong Il

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In an effort to dispel rumors of leader Kim Jong Il's failing health, the North Korean government released several new up-to-the-minute paintings in late September depicting the Asian dictator in peak physical condition.

"As anyone can see from these new murals, our Dear Leader is the very picture of health," Foreign Ministry spokesperson Lee Myong Choi said of the 30-foot-high paintings, the artful brushstrokes of which showed the North Korean ruler confidently reading the current day's newspaper. "Note his radiant, youthful complexion, the sheen of his jet-black hair, the glorious starburst which appears to radiate from the very center of his being. Our supreme commander will undoubtedly be with us for many centuries to come." Lee later added that Kim was in such robust health that he was able to complete all of the new self-portraits in under an hour.

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