adBlockCheck

North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength

ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat. “Our most generous estimates projected that they would not produce the cereal grain for at least another 15 years, but the evidence revealed that North Korea is far more advanced than expected,” said lead analyst Art Bennett, explaining that the 20-square-foot wheat crop, which was cultivated outside of Pyongyang, could potentially lead to the development of flour within the next decade. “We can’t say conclusively whether or not they actually filled an entire bushel basket. What we do know is that this progress has put the world on notice. North Korea could very well have bread by 2050.” At press time, satellite images revealed that North Korean military had begun to assemble a rudimentary grain silo.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close