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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Nostalgic Man Can Still Remember Time When Billboard Advertised ‘Red 2’

HOUSTON—Thinking back on a far simpler time, local man Andrew Espenales, 34, wistfully told reporters Wednesday that he is still able to recall an era when the billboard on the southbound side of Interstate 610 advertised the 2013 action comedy Red 2. “Man, it feels like it was only yesterday I was looking up at that all-star ensemble cast,” said Espenales, smiling as he took a stroll down memory lane to a time when the billboard, currently featuring a Smartwater advertisement, promoted the Bruce Willis–helmed sequel with the tagline “The Best Never Rest.” “I can close my eyes and picture it now, clear as day. You’d drive by and see that red background, the large text, and Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Helen Mirren striding confidently toward you. I must have looked up at that old Red 2 sign dozens of times, and then one day, just like that, it was a Nike ad featuring J.J. Watt. Boy, times sure do change.” Espenales confirmed that the former summer blockbuster’s domestic release date, July 19, would forever be etched in his memory.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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