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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Nostalgic Man Can Still Remember Time When Billboard Advertised ‘Red 2’

HOUSTON—Thinking back on a far simpler time, local man Andrew Espenales, 34, wistfully told reporters Wednesday that he is still able to recall an era when the billboard on the southbound side of Interstate 610 advertised the 2013 action comedy Red 2. “Man, it feels like it was only yesterday I was looking up at that all-star ensemble cast,” said Espenales, smiling as he took a stroll down memory lane to a time when the billboard, currently featuring a Smartwater advertisement, promoted the Bruce Willis–helmed sequel with the tagline “The Best Never Rest.” “I can close my eyes and picture it now, clear as day. You’d drive by and see that red background, the large text, and Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Helen Mirren striding confidently toward you. I must have looked up at that old Red 2 sign dozens of times, and then one day, just like that, it was a Nike ad featuring J.J. Watt. Boy, times sure do change.” Espenales confirmed that the former summer blockbuster’s domestic release date, July 19, would forever be etched in his memory.

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