adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nostalgic Man Can Still Remember Time When Billboard Advertised ‘Red 2’

HOUSTON—Thinking back on a far simpler time, local man Andrew Espenales, 34, wistfully told reporters Wednesday that he is still able to recall an era when the billboard on the southbound side of Interstate 610 advertised the 2013 action comedy Red 2. “Man, it feels like it was only yesterday I was looking up at that all-star ensemble cast,” said Espenales, smiling as he took a stroll down memory lane to a time when the billboard, currently featuring a Smartwater advertisement, promoted the Bruce Willis–helmed sequel with the tagline “The Best Never Rest.” “I can close my eyes and picture it now, clear as day. You’d drive by and see that red background, the large text, and Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Helen Mirren striding confidently toward you. I must have looked up at that old Red 2 sign dozens of times, and then one day, just like that, it was a Nike ad featuring J.J. Watt. Boy, times sure do change.” Espenales confirmed that the former summer blockbuster’s domestic release date, July 19, would forever be etched in his memory.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close