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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Not Knowing How To Celebrate, A-Rod Breaks Champagne Bottle Over Teammates' Heads

MINNEAPOLIS—Following the Yankees' Game 3 victory over the Twins in the ALDS Sunday, Alex Rodriguez demonstrated a complete lack of understanding of the most basic celebratory techniques when he broke bottles of champagne over several of his teammates' heads. "We were all screaming and cheering, but he just laughed in this weird monotone for a minute or so, then lifted his arm straight up, smashed a bottle on Melky [Cabrera]'s head, and rubbed the shards of glass into Melky's eyes," teammate Robinson Cano said. "He fired a cork into [Nick] Swisher's face from point-blank range, too. Then he just ran around in tiny circles for about 10 minutes. It was bizarre." Rodriguez's publicist later released a statement of apology indicating that, from this point forward, the Yankee third baseman would jump on home plate with the rest of his teammates after game-winning hits, and would no longer try to lick everyone's face.

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