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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports

DES MOINES, IA—During a brief, five-minute telephone conversation last Monday, local resident Grant Jacobs, 58, reportedly expressed surprise that it was not snowing near his home in Des Moines, IA even though it was snowing in Providence, RI where his son Michael, 20, attends college. "It's actually pretty clear, here," Jacobs said. "I bet you guys are getting what we had last week." Jacobs added that, according to the Weather Channel's Doppler radar, the weather should be fine in Providence tomorrow, while Des Moines is supposed to get hit pretty hard.

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