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Politics

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘Nothing Would Surprise Me At This Point,’ Says Man Who Will Be Shocked By 8 Separate News Items Today

PROVIDENCE, RI—Just over a week into the administration of President Donald Trump, local man Alex Seidman, a 36-year-old who will be shocked eight separate times by today’s news, told reporters Monday that at this point, nothing would surprise him. “Honestly, after everything that’s gone down in the past 10 days, none of it really even fazes me,” said the man who will be stunned on eight different occasions by news updates that will leave him wondering if the country’s longstanding democratic institutions can withstand even half of Trump’s first term in office. “Maybe a few months ago it would’ve upset me, even frightened me. But today, I’ll click on The New York Times and it’ll feel pretty [startling, with each piece of news more surreal and flabbergasting than the last, every article seemingly rewriting the rules of reality and slowly convincing me that there may no longer be any such thing as] normal.” At press time, Seidman was now fully convinced that he would be spending at least the next four years in a state of continually heightening trauma, and thus far has not been proven wrong.

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