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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Notre Dame Football Team Having Worst Season Since Corinthians

SOUTH BEND, IN—A mere 1-8 following their 46-44 triple-overtime loss to Navy, their first to the service academy since 1963, the Fighting Irish are now enduring their worst football season since the authorship of the New Testament Book of Corinthians circa 55 A.D. "Listen, I don't take any pride in being the losingest Fighting Irish coach since Paul of Tarsus defended his apostleship by claiming a revelation from Christ," head coach Charlie Weis said in a press conference Tuesday. "But I'll remind you that Paul wrote Corinthians to correct faulty assumptions on the part of the Church, so don't go making any of your own. Plus Notre Dame finished up that season with wins against Rutgers and U-Masada, and while the names may have changed, our spirit has not." Biblical athletics scholars note, however, that if the Irish fail to win another game, Notre Dame will hold the record for worst division 1-A season since Ecclesiastes.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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