adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do

BOSTON—According to his handful of readers, budding novelist Mosley Forstner, 23, thinks that people shrug with much greater frequency than they actually do. "Every time a character responds to something in Mosley's book, it's "'Suppose that's the way of things,' she shrugged" or "'Fine, then I'm leaving,' he shrugged,"" said Rodney Klein, a fellow student and peer reviewer of Forstner's. "Can't his characters just 'say' something once in a while?" When informed of the criticism, Forstner responded with a grunt and a curt, dismissive motion of his shoulders intended to convey nonchalance.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close