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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Now That Man Has Heard About Barack Obama, He Sees References To Him All Over The Place

WEST LEBANON, NH—After first learning of Barack Obama from a news broadcast last Friday, 29-year-old Aaron Chamberland said he has since been unable to go about his daily life without noticing references to the man nearly everywhere he goes. "It's one of those weird things. As soon as I heard it, it started appearing all over—online, on TV. I even saw it on a T-shirt," said Chamberland, noting he had been "astonished" to hear at least half a dozen complete strangers mention the name over the past several days. "Everywhere I go now it's Barack Obama this, Barack Obama that. It's like, 'What the fuck?'" Chamberland went on to tell reporters that his recent discovery eventually led him to realize that Barack Obama was the husband of first lady Michelle Obama, whom he has always greatly admired.

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