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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Now That Man Has Heard About Barack Obama, He Sees References To Him All Over The Place

WEST LEBANON, NH—After first learning of Barack Obama from a news broadcast last Friday, 29-year-old Aaron Chamberland said he has since been unable to go about his daily life without noticing references to the man nearly everywhere he goes. "It's one of those weird things. As soon as I heard it, it started appearing all over—online, on TV. I even saw it on a T-shirt," said Chamberland, noting he had been "astonished" to hear at least half a dozen complete strangers mention the name over the past several days. "Everywhere I go now it's Barack Obama this, Barack Obama that. It's like, 'What the fuck?'" Chamberland went on to tell reporters that his recent discovery eventually led him to realize that Barack Obama was the husband of first lady Michelle Obama, whom he has always greatly admired.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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