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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Noxious Minions Of Satan Offer Free Installation Through July

CHICAGO—In an exciting new promotion, the hideous mewling lackeys of the Dark Prince Lucifer are offering free installation of TCI cable to any household responding by July 31. "Act now and get great basic-cable channels like MTV, Nickelodeon and CNN with no installation fee," sniveled TCI customer-service representative Wyrmwort, faithful servant of the Lord Of Lies. "Plus, TCI offers you more great premium channels than ever, from HBO to Cinemax to the biggest blockbuster movies on pay-per-view." Wyrmwort then befouled his body with goat's blood and hailed The Great Deceiver.

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