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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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NPR’s New Format to Feature Soft-Spoken White Guys

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising move, National Public Radio announced yesterday that it will unveil a new format, one prominently showcasing soft-spoken white guys. “After much consideration, we have decided that what people want out of public radio is sedate, middle-aged white males who speak in hushed, whisper-like voices,” NPR executive director Jean Royce explained. “Whether introducing a lesser-known symphony by Scriabin, or hosting an award-winning news program like Talk of the Nation, or just giving the time, our new on-air personalities will be guaranteed to exude one thing: a pleasant, mellow whiteness.

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