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NPR’s New Format to Feature Soft-Spoken White Guys

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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NPR’s New Format to Feature Soft-Spoken White Guys

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising move, National Public Radio announced yesterday that it will unveil a new format, one prominently showcasing soft-spoken white guys. “After much consideration, we have decided that what people want out of public radio is sedate, middle-aged white males who speak in hushed, whisper-like voices,” NPR executive director Jean Royce explained. “Whether introducing a lesser-known symphony by Scriabin, or hosting an award-winning news program like Talk of the Nation, or just giving the time, our new on-air personalities will be guaranteed to exude one thing: a pleasant, mellow whiteness.

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