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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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NRA Recommends Preventing Firearm Deaths By Securing Children In Locked Safe

FAIRFAX, VA—As part of its ongoing efforts to reduce the number of accidental deaths from firearms, the National Rifle Association issued a recommendation Wednesday urging gun owners to secure their children in a locked safe at all times. “Because responsible gun ownership begins with proper storage, we advise you to keep your children in a tamper-proof safe, especially when they have friends over and any time you are out of the home,” wrote executive vice president Wayne LaPierre in a bulletin to the organization’s members, adding that it was not enough to simply place one’s children in a drawer, atop a high shelf, or underneath a bed, as stowing kids in such locations was neither a secure nor foolproof way of preventing a firearm accident from occurring. “We recognize that purchasing a steel-reinforced vault that can fit every one of your children comes at a premium, but can you really put a price on the safety of your family?” LaPierre went on to say that gun owners could easily add an extra layer of security and further peace of mind by keeping a separate lock on each child as well.

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