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NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive

FORT MEADE, MD—Members of the National Security Agency told reporters yesterday that if they thought the electronic surveillance program known as PRISM invaded the privacy of law-abiding citizens, the newly updated PRISM 2.0 will be far, far more invasive. “Who you call and for how long? That’s child’s play compared to what 2.0 is going to be able to do,” NSA director General Keith B. Alexander said of the improved information-gathering program, which will not only be able to monitor emails and online chats, but, through satellite technology, will have the ability to eavesdrop on all telephone conversations and record any time an individual logs onto a wireless or 4G network. “PRISM 1.0 was a little glitchy, and now that we’ve smoothed out the bugs, well, your privacy, especially inside your own home, will be a thing of the past. The technology is so good that it will basically be as if a member of the NSA is standing right behind you at all times.” Alexander also said that the next version of PRISM will have a slightly altered name, noting that there will be a Z in place of the S.

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