NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive

FORT MEADE, MD—Members of the National Security Agency told reporters yesterday that if they thought the electronic surveillance program known as PRISM invaded the privacy of law-abiding citizens, the newly updated PRISM 2.0 will be far, far more invasive. “Who you call and for how long? That’s child’s play compared to what 2.0 is going to be able to do,” NSA director General Keith B. Alexander said of the improved information-gathering program, which will not only be able to monitor emails and online chats, but, through satellite technology, will have the ability to eavesdrop on all telephone conversations and record any time an individual logs onto a wireless or 4G network. “PRISM 1.0 was a little glitchy, and now that we’ve smoothed out the bugs, well, your privacy, especially inside your own home, will be a thing of the past. The technology is so good that it will basically be as if a member of the NSA is standing right behind you at all times.” Alexander also said that the next version of PRISM will have a slightly altered name, noting that there will be a Z in place of the S.