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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive

FORT MEADE, MD—Members of the National Security Agency told reporters yesterday that if they thought the electronic surveillance program known as PRISM invaded the privacy of law-abiding citizens, the newly updated PRISM 2.0 will be far, far more invasive. “Who you call and for how long? That’s child’s play compared to what 2.0 is going to be able to do,” NSA director General Keith B. Alexander said of the improved information-gathering program, which will not only be able to monitor emails and online chats, but, through satellite technology, will have the ability to eavesdrop on all telephone conversations and record any time an individual logs onto a wireless or 4G network. “PRISM 1.0 was a little glitchy, and now that we’ve smoothed out the bugs, well, your privacy, especially inside your own home, will be a thing of the past. The technology is so good that it will basically be as if a member of the NSA is standing right behind you at all times.” Alexander also said that the next version of PRISM will have a slightly altered name, noting that there will be a Z in place of the S.

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