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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Nuclear-Bomb Instructions Found In Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA— In an alarming development, plans for a thermonuclear device were found Monday in a Pentagon desk drawer. "These guys were definitely working on something," said United Press International correspondent Nigel Afton-George, who came across the plans while touring a section of the compound damaged in a Sept. 11 attack. "They had all sorts of manuals and plans for the construction and deployment of nuclear weapons. It's terrifying to think what they were planning to do with this stuff."

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