adBlockCheck

Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd

Fully nude man David Ronzo expounds at length on life's frailty.
Fully nude man David Ronzo expounds at length on life's frailty.

ST. CLOUD, MN—Shortly after discovering he had locked himself out of his suburban home, stark naked 43-year-old claims adjuster David Ronzo began to deliver a stirring and thought-provoking philosophical treatise on the frailty of the human condition to a slowly gathering crowd, deeply moved witnesses reported today.

Following a brief period during which he panicked—first running to his locked garage door and then scrambling back to pound frantically on his front door—the nude man reportedly stopped, turned to face two confused joggers, and started speaking from his porch in a loud, clear voice. Soon, rapt passersby were steadily thronging his yard.

"Yes, it's true; I stand before you naked, exposed to the world—completely vulnerable and without recourse," the nude man said as he calmly drew himself to his full height and looked purposefully at the gradually expanding crowd of his neighbors. "But should I feel deeply ashamed at my misfortune? Should I be the object of your ridicule and derision? I put it to you, dear people, that on all counts, the answer is emphatically no, I most certainly should not be! For who among you can argue that I do not now, stripped of all guile and pretense, represent the very essence of what, in truth, lies at the core of our very humanness, be we mighty kings or lowly claims adjusters?"

Witnesses say they were profoundly moved by the words of the nude man locked out of his house.

"I can see it in your faces; you know as well as I do that the only real difference between you and I is a gust of wind and the fact that my robe is still in the wash," added Ronzo, later emphasizing that being a completely naked man locked outside his home in no way diminished his desire to be loved and understood.

According to those who stopped to hear him speak, Ronzo spent the next 35 minutes mounting an eloquent, heartfelt plea for his own humanity, for the humanity of all people everywhere, and, briefly, for the importance of keeping a spare key hidden somewhere near the front door of one's home.

"Am I frightened? Do I feel confused, utterly abandoned, and left without a clear path forward? I would not be so arrogant as to say otherwise," Ronzo said as those in the crowd nodded their heads in agreement, with some periodically glimpsing at Ronzo's uncovered genitals. "But please, take a moment to look deep within yourselves and answer me honestly: Do you, the fully clothed, really feel any differently? Metaphorically speaking, we are from birth accidentally locked out of the safety and warmth of our respective houses, naked to creation, and, for the remainder of our all-too-brief lives, scared witless at having been thrust into a vast, seemingly indifferent universe of which we comprise a mind-bogglingly infinitesimal part and from which we struggle daily—and cruelly, at the very end, entirely alone—to glean even the simplest fundamental truths."

"Debra? Debra? Can you hear me? I locked myself out of the house and I'm naked! Help!" Ronzo continued as he jiggled the door handle. "Debra!"

Ronzo reportedly went on to ponder the grim facts of mortality, but concluded his treatise with an uplifting message of faith in the indomitable nature of the human spirit.


Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd

Many witnesses later said they were moved to tears when, without pausing in his powerful oration, Ronzo resolutely refused a windbreaker offered to him by a man in the crowd.

"Please, take a long look and explore the many flaws inherent in the corporeal body; reflect for a moment on how quickly our trivial concerns are brushed aside by decay and change," Ronzo said as he slowly twirled his pale form before the crowd. "Indeed, entropy and chaos constantly bear down on us at every second of every day. To think, at one moment you can be on your way to take a nice, hot shower, and the next your front door can slam behind you after you thought you heard the dog trying to get in. But do not take these simple facts as a curse; view them as an opportunity, as an affirmation of why it is so important to live, and to live lustily, with fire and passion in your hearts! So please, go home, hold your loved ones tightly, and take careful stock of those things that are truly important to you."

After enthusiastically cheering and applauding Ronzo as he awkwardly climbed through an unlatched window into his den, several neighbors took time to reflect on the nude man's sobering yet inspiring disquisition on questions central to the human experience.

"Here I am, acting all high and mighty with my pants and shirt on, and tomorrow morning I could just as easily be grabbing the paper off the stoop and end up locked outdoors, naked as a jaybird," visibly moved crowd member Chris Dawkins said. "This whole thing really makes you appreciate everything you have, and I know that I for one am not going to take anything for granted anymore."

"That nude man changed my life," Dawkins added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close