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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nude Model Suspects She's Posing For Civics Class

DOVER, DE—Model Sherri Rawlings, 24, told reporters yesterday that she has a "lingering feeling" that, for the past week, she has been standing naked in front of a junior high school civics class.

"At first, I didn't think anything of the fact that nobody had sketchbooks," said Rawlings, who admitted that she had never attended a 6:45 p.m. 15th-period art class before this one. "But when the banner written in big marker saying 'Advanced Human Portrait Drawing with Mr. Kimmel' fell, revealing a large Bill of Rights poster, I knew something was up."

Despite the unsettling suspicion, Rawlings said that she would continue posing at least until she was clear on the process by which a bill becomes a law.

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