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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nuggets Tell Dying George Karl They Made NBA Finals

DENVER—During a visit to his coach's deathbed at Denver Presbyterian Hospital on Wednesday, Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony told a barely conscious, cancer-ridden George Karl that their team, which was eliminated during the first round of the playoffs this year, had advanced to the NBA Finals and was currently up 3-0 on the Cleveland Cavaliers. "Everybody's playing great, Coach, and the defense you taught us is completely shutting down LeBron," a tearful Anthony reportedly told the weak and gasping Karl, who mustered enough strength to nod his head and smile at the news. "Doctors say you're going to get better soon so you can celebrate with us at the victory parade. It's going to be—Coach Karl? Coach Karl! Nurse!"

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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