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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use. "Currently, the only artists who have not issued court injunctions against Republicans for playing a song on the campaign trail are Kid Rock and Barry Manilow," said John Brabender, a senior strategist for Rick Santorum, adding that he "wouldn't be surprised" if Manilow's lawyer already has a cease-and-desist letter in the mail concerning use of "Ready To Take A Chance Again." "The only options left are in the public domain. So it's looking more and more likely that the Santorum campaign will make 'Turkey In The Straw' the official anthem of its White House run." According to sources, Mitt Romney took the stage during a Wisconsin campaign event Thursday with "Jimmy Crack Corn" blaring from gymnasium speakers.

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